Lost Hope

What happens when all you feel around you is darkness? It seems to you, that everything you touch fades away into nothing? What happens when EVERYTHING you touch turns into ash? Nothing, and by nothing I mean NOTHING makes sense anymore.

I have always been such a happy girl, and yet here I am, writing my first "official" post in the most gloomy, emo mood possible. I guess I thought I would start writing a long time before this date. I thought I would start writing nearly 2 years ago. Now that I think about it. I regret not writing. I want to be able to look over those days and compare, how happy was I then and how I am now.

I have become a shadow of the person I used to be. Someone who loves life for what it is. I have lost her somewhere in the midst of all this confusion. I have lost my whole identity trying to please everyone around me but ME. I have lost everything that I held dear to myself in terms of me.

Honestly, I just miss being Tee. Now that is someone who is worth looking too. She was confident, fun-loving, dancy, dramatic, girl like a boy, and most importantly she was HAPPY. She was loved, no not just loved, ADORED by people around her and she loved them right back. It felt like the world revolves on her fingertips.

Now, that girl, she's lost, gone, poof-dissapeared in thin air. No, I dont think I lost her gradually, over time. I feel like I lost her in one day. Something happened, something big I didnt realize or understand. Something worked within my emotional mind frame altering it and bam, I loose that girl. It's a struggle for me to be happy now. To be able to paste a smile in front of people who need me to be happy. It is a struggle for me to get the will to get out of bed every day and to face the world and it's challenges yet again. To tell you the truth, I have given up on myself. The belief that I could be or can do something or achieve something in life has left my mind. I have become a true prisoner to my own, self-degratory thoughts that try as I might I cannot get out of my head.

Yet, I know I have people for who I need to be able to get out of bed for. And yes, I do exactly that. I live for those people. So that they do not suffer but not one day do I live for myself. I want the girl back who lived everyday for herself. Woke up energetic and loved the world and faced it with confidence. I truly do miss her.

I do not know how I will come out of this phase. I do not think I will be able to. Some things in life just become too much too handle and my whole life has become too much to handle.

Yes, I have indeed lost hope.......................

.....................And the worst part is, I do not know how to get it back.

IT STARTS

I am a writer. Not a great one but a writer nonetheless. Ever since i was a young child i had a diary that i wrote my days thoughts into. They were weird and abstract thoughts. Like how my day was good and gives no details as to what made it good, just the fact that it was good. As the years went bymy writing improved and the events started to get more and more illaborate. The funny thing is that i still have that diary with me and i still write in it. As life got busier, my entries got longer but less frequent. It was like 2 entries every year. I call it my historical diary. Has my friends and my lives history's in it. :) Anyway, as i said, i'm a writer and like writing my thoughts down even if they make no sense. And if i have my memories stacked somewhere other than my brain then i guess it will be better.

This is my first entry. It all starts from here.